The Call
by o2bafirefighter
Summary: The fire service is know for helping others but what happens when they themselves need help. THE CALL - how will it affect them? What will happen when each member of the crew has to face tragedy?
1. Chapter 1

The characters are not mine. I am only borrowing them. This story is not written for profit but for entertainment purposes only.

THE CALL

There are calls that will remain with you forever. The recesses of your mind can hide what your conscious mind can't handle. What I sometimes forget is that you can never truly forget. The memories will come back to you. Sometimes when you least expect it the memories will be brought to the surface. It has always amazed me how a sight, a smell or a sound could bring back the memories with such clarity.

The smell of rain or the clear evening sky brought me back home. Home was filled with memories of heartache and pain, but it also had moments of shear joy. Those would be the moments spent with my mother.

Not all memories were good…some were filled with pain. The memories being created now would forever be fixed to pain and tragedy.

The smell. That's what I will remember the most. The mix of fuel, exhaust, antifreeze and blood. It smelled of death. It permeated my clothes and seeped into my pours. It will never leave my mind. I don't know that you can get rid of it even after washing. But… I will try.

The sight of the crash. Metal twisted around the car. Bodies lying broken on the pavement. The lights splashing across the scene. Red, Blue, Red, Blue. The bright white spot lights that leave nothing to the imagination as they light the street to show us our way around.

I walked about the scene trying to find something, anything to do. But there wasn't anything that could be done. The Spirits had already taken them home. We were just here to collect what was left. To try to give them some dignity in death. We pulled the sheets across them, we hid them from sight. No one should have to see this.

Click, swirl, click, swirl. Everyone is doing their jobs. The only sound heard across the area is that of the emergency lights and low murmuring as pertinent information was passed from crew member to crew member. The sirens have died out as the victim count grew higher. The murmurs of what had happened were quiet. We walked as if on a movie set. It was surreal. Oh Spirits, I wish this was just a movie set.

No longer able to breathe through my nose because of the smells, I began to breathe through my mouth. But that sense too was assaulted. The taste of death in the air, the fumes of the emergency vehicles, the exhaust fumes from the helicopter when it took off, and the taste of the coming rain.

Gloves and equipment kept the sense of touch from being overwhelmed. I watch as my crewmates walk about the scene. Their eyes wide open but their vision has narrowed to the task at hand. It was too much. The victims were too young.

Prayers were offered by witnesses and my crewmates. I watched as one man bent down on one knee in the middle of the street. He stared with unseeing eyes at the sight before him. It was the touch on his shoulder, a hand, a call to comfort that brought him back.

Police, fire, paramedic and coroner units swarmed the scene. The official count was 2 survivors and 4 fatalities. The official count didn't reflect the scars left behind for us. How were we expected to just go on as usual? I have seen bad scenes before but this, this was different. These were children. Not one over 18 years old. For four of them, never to get any older.

This is my job, my career. I went into it with eyes wide open but nothing they teach you in school can prepare you for this. The brotherhood of the fire service is all there is to fall back on. But is it strong enough? It's not like I'm new but I'm not an old hat either.

I look to my crew again. I am standing off to the side, no one seems to notice. We are all lost. Cap is riding herd over us, always the protector. Mike is sitting on the front bumper of Big Red, normally stoic but even this seems to be showing on him. Chet and Marco are on the rear bumper but not speaking to each other, the effect is already being noted as the normally active talkative pair sit in silence. Roy is just finishing with the last of the police reports over by the patrol car. I had finished before they started to talk to him. I don't know how he is doing.

We've been together for a few years now. Normally we can lean on each other. But all of us need help this time. We, as a group, can be great when taking care of others but often we fall short when taking care of ourselves.

Johnny surveyed the scene again. The yellow blankets covered 4 bodies. The ambulances had pulled away and now it was time for them to return to quarters. Each had been changed by this call. Each was wrapped in their own thoughts. He hoped they would be alright.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

The chief ordered the station stood down for the rest of the shift. We weren't allowed to leave but we weren't allowed to run calls either. Because of the way the scene had run, Roy and I hadn't been responsible for the patients transported to Rampart. We never even saw them. As we headed back to the barn, I wonder if I would feel better if I could have treated one of them. The feeling of uselessness still hung in the air. God, I hate feeling useless. Isn't this why I became a paramedic? So, I wouldn't have to feel useless on these type of calls.

No one spoke as we backed into the bay and parked the trucks. I headed to the showers. I had to get the smell off of me. I knew I couldn't take a long shower, everyone else would want one also. It felt good to have the hot water run over my sore muscles. The smell was still there when I finished. It was as if it had permeated my skin. I wonder how long I will have to live with this smell of death? Can other smell it coming off of me?

When I came out of the latrine I thought I had walked into a ghost town. No sounds, no movement, nobody was around. I wandered around the engine house to see what everyone was doing. The 6 of us had always been close. I even counted Chet as one of my friends. I knew we needed to stick together but it didn't seem to be what was happening. Other times, other calls we hung together. We talked about the call and it made me feel better. But no one was talking.

In the kitchen I found Chet sitting on the couch petting Henry. He was talking quietly and I couldn't understand what he said. He looked sad. I didn't say anything because I knew he valued his privacy almost as much as I valued mine. I quietly exited the kitchen to see what my other crew mates were doing.

I left the kitchen and headed back into the bay. As I passed by Cap's office I noticed his door was closed. It was like being hit with a hammer. It was a rarity for his door to be closed unless someone was in trouble or dealing with something else on a personal level. Not having noticed anyone do anything wrong on the scene I wondered if I missed something. As far as I knew there were no problems with any of my friends. Because of everything going on, I assumed Cap was in his office doing his report.

Rounding the squad I spied Mike wiping down Big Red. It always amazed me how Mike took care of the engine. You could practically eat off of it. I have been in a lot of houses where the engineer did the minimum expected and nothing further. When an engineer gets sloppy it puts people's lives on the line. Sloppy engineers mean equipment that doesn't work. Bad engineers often have difficulties controlling the engine while on a run. You never want to be in front of an engineer that can't control their truck. But Mike was the best. He took pride in his work and his engine. Going into a fire with Mike at the pump panel gave you a sense of peace. Mike would take care of you. Mike would make sure you had water. If he couldn't get something to work I truly believe no one else on the department could. He was the example of the idea engineer.

The bouncing of a ball led me to the back yard where Marco was playing basket ball. He didn't notice my watching him. He was concentrating on getting the ball in the net, everything else was going to have to wait. He prayed sometimes out loud but mostly to himself. He had been here before. He still didn't understand it but he knew what was happening. I talked to him after his cousin was killed by a drunk driver. It was tough, I understood but couldn't tell him. No one knew…

I strolled into the dorm and found Roy on the phone. Roy always called home to talk to Joanne after a bad run. He told me once that it was a way to make him feel that everything was right in his world. He would go home and hug his kids a little tighter and maybe a little longer. Then he would try to appreciate his wife and children a little more.

Backing out of the dorm I decided to head out doors. The walls were closing in on me. I needed space. I needed to find some place to hide away from the memories. I walked out back and climbed the hose tower. Marco never noticed as I walked to the tower ladder. I prayed to the Spirits to take care of the souls which were lost, injured, for their families and for mine. I looked up into the sky and found it to be devoid of stars. Usually I would be able to see the stars and it would remind me of home. The evening sky filled with stars always centered me and gave me a sense of peace. Tonight even the stars wouldn't shine for us.

Too many memories were assaulting me. I didn't want to remember. I wanted to go home and get away from everyone before they figured out something was wrong.

CHAPTER 3

Johnny had been sitting for about an hour when he heard the chief's car pull up. It was followed by another one he recognized as his friend Kel Brackett. He was curious but not to the point of wanting to climb down to find out what was going on. He didn't want to talk to anyone and he didn't want anyone talking to him. All he wanted was to be left alone with his thoughts.

As the occupants of the cars piled out, Johnny found he recognize them. Chief McConnike was followed closely by the department Chaplin, Capt. James. The other car had held Dr. Kelly Brackett and Dixie McCall. Johnny couldn't understand why such a strange conglomeration of people were gathering at the engine house. He didn't remember anyone getting hurt or doing something wrong. But maybe they had…maybe the crew was about to find out what had gone wrong out there.

51

They gathered in the parking lot for a moment before heading into the engine house. Marco had stopped playing ball when the cars had pulled up. He stood bouncing it back and forth waiting to continue his play.

"Lopez why don't you head into the kitchen. We are going to have a quick meeting." Without saying a word Lopez grabbed the ball and walked back into the house.

The silence was eerie as they entered the bay. Every foot step could be heard as it echoed off the walls of the bay. A shiver went up Dixie's spine. Kel noticed and placed his arm around her shoulders. He too was put off by the God awful silence.

"Why don't you make yourselves comfortable in the kitchen. I will be in in a moment. I'll go get Hank and see about getting this started." The others complied and Chief McConnike made his way to the Captain's office. He knocked but heard no response. He knocked again, and again there was no response. He turned the knob and entered the darkened room to find Stanley sitting behind his desk. His concern for the crew of 51s grew. He knew he wasn't suppose to have a favorite crew but 51s held a special place in his heart. This crew had been through a lot through the years and had held tight as a family.

"I didn't want to be disturbed." Stanley stated as he looked up. "Oh, sorry Chief. I…ah…I didn't know it was you. I had just wanted a few minutes alone. Can I help you with something?" Hank was scrambling to stand up as a chief officer had entered the room but it didn't seem as if his body would cooperate.

"Hank relax and stay seated. Actually I am hoping I can help you and your men. How are you doing?" The concern was evident in his voice. He had been at the scene and knew what these men had been through. He had immediately taken the men out of service after the call and had gathered a few groups of people to help him take care of his men. The other responding stations had also been put out of service and other groups with Chief officers were headed their way. He choose to go to Station 51 because of his history with Hank and the closeness of these men. They had seen the worse of it. If anyone was to need help it would be these men. He didn't want to lose one of them because he didn't take the time to check on them.

"We're alright, I guess. I...ah… Chief, I don't really know." Hank shook his head. He had been so caught up in his own thoughts he hadn't checked on his men. "I came in here just a few minutes ago when we returned and haven't really talked with any of them yet."

"Hank, you have been in quarters for over an hour." The realization of how much of an impact this call had had on his men was striking him in the face as he watched Hank. His eyes were vacant. His behavior was not what he had expected.

"Oh my God. I didn't realize it had been that long. I have been sitting here trying to figure out how to even start the report and…" Hank stared at the desk top. He couldn't believe he had abandoned his men. He knew they needed him. He only meant to do the report. Feelings of guilt washed over him as he began to worry about his crew.

McConnike crossed over to Hank and placed his hand on Hank's shoulder. "Don't worry about the report. Let's take care of you and your men. I have some people here to talk with you. I hope it will help."

CHAPTER 4

As the group entered the kitchen they found Chet Kelly still sitting on the couch with Henry. They all knew Chet to be a rambunctious ball of energy. To see him sit so still and not notice them walking into the room was disconcerting. Capt. James was the first to speak. "Chet, could you gather the men together? We need all of them to come in here. Chief McConnike and Capt. Stanley will be in in a moment."

Training had taught Chet to recognize an order when he heard one. Any chief officer requesting you do something was an order. Without saying a word he left the room and went to gather the men. Slowly they filtered in. Each circled over to the coffee pot and made themselves a cup of coffee. Each then grabbed a chair at the table as they normally would when eating. Each remained silent. Johnny was the last to enter. Chet hadn't been able to find him at first but Johnny had appeared from outside.

Chief McConnike and Hank entered the room to find most of the men gathered at the table. Hank eyed each of his men to see how they were doing. He could see the pain in their eyes. He berated himself for not taking care of his men and thinking of himself. He crossed over and made himself a cup of coffee. Johnny joined him and made a fresh pot. Johnny wouldn't make eye contact with any of them.

Capt. James, Dr. Brackett and Dixie stood by Chief McConnike's side. Hank joined them and refocused his thoughts on his men. "Gentlemen, we are stood down for the night. Chief McConnike, Capt. James, Dr. Brackett and Miss McCall are here to talk to us. I would like you all to feel free to speak. They are here to help in any way possible. Do you have any questions?"

"Cap," Johnny hesitated a moment then continued, "I have a couple of questions, if I may?"

"Sure John, go ahead."

"Well, first of all did we do something wrong? Is that why they are here?" Johnny had run the call over in his mind after seeing who the guest were to arrive. He didn't remember anything going wrong. He thought of the victims he and Roy had handled. There wasn't anything else they could have done. But if that were the case then why were Kel and Dixie here with the Chief?

Chief McConnike stepped forward to address this question. He never intended for the men to think they were in trouble or that this was an investigation of any kind. He wanted to help his men. He had heard talk about firefighters have difficulty dealing with calls. The rate of firefighters drinking themselves to death or flat out quiting the service were staggering. No one wanted to talk about it but it was a problem. "No, Gage there was nothing done wrong. None of you are in trouble. We are here to help you to get through this. This is not an investigation."

"Ok, then…sir, do we have to participate in this…what ever you call it?" Johnny hated to talk about his feelings or things that were truly close to his heart. This call had struck him hard and he wasn't prepared to deal with it right now. Too many memories were haunting him at the moment. He didn't want the others to think he was weak. He needed time and distance to get a grip on things.

"We would like you to participate. I ask you to give us a chance to help. Participate as much or as little as you want but yes, you are required to stay here while we have this debriefing." Chief McConnike turned to look at the others. They knew these men and they knew this was going to be difficult. Looking at the others he continued on, "I would like to turn this over now to Dr. Brackett. Dr. Brackett will be conducting this meeting. Capt. James and I will be here to answer questions for you that Dr. Brackett and Nurse McCall are unable to answer. Dr. Brackett, if you would."

Kel stood before his friends. He saw the haunted look in their eyes and knew he needed to help them. He and Dixie had talked often about who helps those who help others. Now they were about to find out how well these men were willing to accept a helping hand. "Gentlemen, I know you probably don't want to talk about this call right now. But, we think it would be helpful for you to be able to say what you feel, to get it off your chest if you will. At the end we are going to give you some information you may find helpful. You all know us. We are not here to judge you or what you did. We will not repeat anything you say here and we ask that you not repeat anything said here as well. Is this agreeable?"

Johnny looked to Chet making eye contact as they shook their head in agreement. Johnny had no intentions of participating but felt he needed to reassure his friend that he would not say anything about this meeting. All of the men agreed to the rules. No one understood why this was being done. Capt. Stanley had been in the service for a number of years but had never been through anything like this. He wasn't sure what to think about it but was willing to give it a try.

"That's fine gentlemen. Let's get started. The purpose of this debriefing is for each of you to air what you are thinking of feeling in regards to this call. If there are any questions you want to ask of each other or of the Chief this is the time to ask them. Who would like to start? Tell us what you saw, did, felt or what you are thinking at this moment." Kel looked around expectantly.

For a full minute no one spoke. Kel had initially figured no one would be willing to participate. The fire service was long known for not wanting to talk to outsiders. He hoped being as close as he was to these men it would give them more freedom to speak. As he looked around the room he wondered if that would be the case. He assumed Johnny wouldn't be the first to speak since he asked if he had to participate. Kel was keeping an eye on him because of his mannerisms. He was concerned for his friend.

Just when he was about to give up on one of them volunteering he heard someone clear their throat. He looked up to see none other than Mike Stoker as he leaned forward with a determined look on his face. Normally Stoker would be considered the quietest one of the group. In the few dealings he had had with Mike he never appeared to be one to share his thoughts or feelings. Not that he was an unpleasant man but merely one of few words.

"I guess I could start this thing." Again clearing his throat he reached for his coffee to get a drink. He really didn't want to talk but he figured it was important for one of the to get the ball rolling. He studied his hands folded on the table and never looked up. "I have been out in the bay since we returned. It probably sounds strange to you but I wanted to get that God awful smell off of the engine. I swear it was there when we returned. I don't think I will ever forget it." As he looked around the group he noticed the others nodding their heads. "As the engineer I worked with everyone here, brought equipment and helped out where ever I could. I don't know if there is something else I could have done? Is there something that I could have done better to help you guys? I felt…useless. It just didn't seem as if anything we were doing was going to make a difference. I don't know it was just so…" Mike couldn't continue, he shook his head and took another drink of coffee.

Roy had been thinking and couldn't pick one thing any of them could have done differently. "I know what you mean Mike. I keep replaying the call but I don't think we missed anything. I don't think we could have done anything different. Nothing that would have made a difference. Johnny and I have all of this training and here I was looking for someone to help but there wasn't anyone to work on. I'm not a very religious man but God, the Spirits, what ever each of us believes in had made the decision before we arrived. It felt like we were just there to confirm it for the families left behind. I just wish I could understand how it happened. Or why?"

"I don't think we will ever know." Marco continued to stare at his cup. His voice was low but everyone heard him. "They were speeding. They were drinking. Those two just don't mix. Add in they were inexperienced drivers and disaster was bound to happen. When my cousin was killed, " he paused looking up to the supporting eyes of Johnny, "in a drunk driving accident I asked why and how. I never got the answers. Maybe there isn't one. I know I should be grateful two of them survived but I just wish we, our crew, could have saved one. I will pray for the families, for their souls and for the two who survived. They were probably good kids…like my cousin. They just made a bunch of wrong choices tonight. It's hard to explain to a teen about death. They don't want to listen to us old people. They have this feeling that it could never happen to them. But it does…it does happen to them. My cousin wasn't drinking. She wasn't doing anything wrong. It was the guy in the other car that made the poor choices that night. If he had just slept it off or not drank…maybe Anna would still be alive today."

No one spoke for a moment. Kel was just about to when Hank stood up. "I think the important thing for all of us to remember is we are good at our job. We did what we could. I am very confident in each of you and in your skills. If they had had a chance, I know we would have given it to them. But like Roy said it was over before we ever got there. And yes, they were young and they made a series of bad choices. And yes the result was fatal mistake. Unfortunately, they won't have the opportunity to learn from this one. But we as a group did everything we could have done. There just wasn't anything for us to do. I guess that's the hardest part for all of us. We are trained to respond to an emergency, to take care of the injured and the not so injured. We never expected or wanted the job of standing by while there was nothing to do. We can usually find something to do, something to try to make a difference…but we couldn't tonight."

Chet thought about what had been said. He had been quiet until now. He just needed to know the answer to the one question that had plagued him since he had returned. "Cap, we run on bad calls all the time. Why is this one different? Have we grown so cold hearted we don't even care unless we are faced with a mass tragedy? I didn't get into this job to lose my compassion. I got into this job because I cared about people."

"No Chet I don't think we have lost our compassion. I don't know how you feel but I can tell you how I do. I think this one is worse because they were so young. Heck, I was looking at them thinking about my own girls. They're about the same age. I guess what bothers me is that they had their entire lives ahead of them and now it's over. I don't think we are cold. If we were we wouldn't be sitting here right now. We wouldn't be doing our jobs any longer. We wouldn't be thinking or feeling what we do right now. I think we are usually able to… take the time for it to all absorb. We were hit time and again on this call with out the ability to…I don't know how to put it…to set it straight in our heads. Maybe we should have been talking about calls like this all along. Let's work this out so it helps us the next time we are faced with something like this."

Johnny sat and listened. As the youngest and newest member he didn't feel it was his place to talk. He didn't want anyone to think less of him for having a hard time with the call. He heard what the others had to say and realized they were saying some of the same things he felt but it was different for him. He hadn't earned the right to feel like them. They had years on him. He was new, comparatively, he needed to be tougher or he would never become one of the old guys. Isn't that what his previous Captain had said. "You better get thicker skin boy or you ain't goin' ta make it in the fire service. This here is a job for real men, we don't need a pansy ass crier. Toughen up or get out."

Johnny had never listened to anyone at the fire house talk about a call as they were doing right now. He didn't know others thought about the calls as much as he did. Mostly he didn't know that the guys didn't expect him to be able to handle this, this was extreme. They were having a hard time with it and didn't expect him to be having any easier of a time.

51

Again the silence filled the room. Dixie stepped up and looked at each of the men. She was surprised to see how much they had actually said. It wasn't the amount of words but the content. She didn't think this was going to work when they got the group together. She thought it was going to be like pulling teeth. But she was happily wrong. Maybe she and the others could make a difference.

"As some of you know…" She took a deep breath before she continued. She didn't normally talk about these things but felt it important to give what she was about to say a little perspective. "I served in Korea at a M.A.S.H. unit near the front line. We were one of the busiest units and had a high success rate. I was there for 15 months, 4 days and 3 hours. Not that I was counting or anything, but I was just like everyone else there, I wanted the war to end and I wanted to go home. When I left I was transferred back stateside and assigned to a VA hospital until my discharge."

"It was tough to come back here. I knew there was no one for me to talk to, no one understood what I had seen or what I had done. No one acknowledged us as having been victims of the war, not even the VA. But we were victims. Now, with Nam ending and the boys are returning we are just now starting to realize the importance of helping our them deal with returning to the states and to their lives. The VA has a lot to learn about helping veterans readjust to 'normal' life. They are just now starting to understand that soldiers subjected to terror and tragedy are in need of help to return to what they left behind. None of us are who we use to be. We can't undo or change what we have seen or done. But we try to learn to cope. Every day is a challenge. I know I am different than when I went but it helped make me who I am today."

She looked at Kel and gave him a small smile before she continued. "I had a hard time when I got back. Sometimes I still have nightmares about what I saw… but I get up every morning and carry on. And when I need help I reach out to friends."

The men sat mesmerized. They had always known Dixie to be a tough caring women. She had seen the horrors of war and the horrors they brought to the hospital daily. Her sunny disposition at the hospital never let anyone know the horrendous things she had seen. Her calm and professional attitude never gave an indication that she was ever having a bad day or maybe she was having a hard time dealing with what was going on.

"Like our veterans we are just starting to realize the toll these calls take on you as rescue workers. You deal with terrifying situations and see tragedy on a regular basis. To top it off you are often presented with the fact that the families are their watching what you do and what is happening with their loved one. You are the ones that all too often have to tell someone in the field that their loved one is beyond help. And what do we do… we expect you to just go on and deal with it. Why the service hasn't recognized this before is beyond me. I'm sure some of the older guys have told you to suck it up and be a man." She looked around the room and saw several heads nod. "Keep in mind these are the same men who turn to alcohol, end up divorced and or just downright miserable. We need to learn to recognize in each other the same things we recognize in our patients. We need to learn to care for each other. And…you need to let us help you. I lost some good friends after returning from the war. They never could deal with what we saw. I don't want to lose any of you." She looked around the room and saw recognition in their faces.

Dixie turned and sat down. She had tears in her eyes but refused to acknowledge it. She thought about all she had said and all these men had been through. Kel had been surprised to hear Dixie still had a hard time with her memories of the war after all these years. He knew he needed to make a point to be more aware in the future. But for the moment he needed to take care of his other friends. These men before him were in immediate need. He reached over and griped her shoulder as he got up to talk to the guys.

"After a tragedy it is hard to understand why people can go on laughing and acting like everything is normal and right, when for you it isn't. The world changes and you have to change with it. You are in a profession fighting a daily battle. You race against a clock that is started before the first phone call is made. Sometimes it seems an impossible battle. It's important for you to take a moment for yourselves. Remember what you were taught in your classes. You can't help someone if you become a victim yourself." He paused and let what he said sink in. "If you need one of us call. I'll help any way I can." Dixie smile and nodded to the men as well. They all knew she would be there for them if needed.

"In the days and weeks to come you may find yourself experiencing any number of signs of depression. It seems people can go to one extreme or the other. You may experience a sense of isolation or apathy, begin working out more than normal or have a loss of appetite. You may start drinking, smoking or even doing drugs. I have treated you all enough to know none of you do drugs," holding up his hand to stop the onslaught. "I am not suggesting you have a problem. I state this because some people find themselves looking in that direction. You may experience nightmares or have flashbacks. If you see yourself headed down one of these paths, call one of us. We will help. We will get you through this. It does not mean you are weak to ask for help. It means you are strong enough to know when you need help. Do you have any questions?"

Johnny never looked up as they were speaking. He didn't want to hear it and he didn't want to be there. It was getting to be too much for him. As a result he didn't see how the others were reacting. He also didn't see the concerned looks of Kel and Dixie as they kept an eye on him.

Almost as an after thought Kel added, "I want you to keep an eye on each other. If you see someone needs help, call us."

Captain James added, "I understand what you are going through. I will leave a few cards here for you."

The Chief stood to address the men. He had watched how they had reacted and his concern was still there. He hoped they had gotten through to these men. Only time would tell. "Men, please seek help if you need it. My door is open. We are going to go now. We would like you to remain here until the end of your tour. I have called B shift and they will be coming in an hour early. You know my number and where to find me. If you need some time off let me know." He paused for a moment and lowered his voice. "I want you to know how proud I am of you. You did a remarkable job under tough circumstances. Good night. Hank, I'll call you tomorrow. Take care of yourself and your men."

CHAPTER 5

As soon as the chief and his group left the men began to talk a little amongst themselves. That is with the exception of Johnny. The walls were closing in again and he needed space. He walked out back and returned to his sanctuary. No one thought anything of this as they were wrapped up in their own grief.

They knew they had done all they could but sometimes that didn't matter. Saying it was the will of a higher power only reinforced the feeling of uselessness.

51

Johnny couldn't wait for B shift to arrive. He wanted to leave. He didn't want to keep sitting around knowing he wasn't going to get a call to distract him from his memories. He needed to get away and that was exactly what he had planned. He was going to escape. He needed to run. To run away from the memories. He needed to find a little peace.

He thought about the next couple of days. The crew was going on their days off. Johnny would go camping. This always helped clear his mind. He hoped this time it would work. He was afraid it wouldn't.

Dawn had broken while they were in their debriefing. The arrival of B shift was a blessed site. As he left the engine house he didn't acknowledge his other crew members. B shift remained respectful as they had heard about the tragic call on the radio and morning news before coming in. They watched as A sift went through the motions but didn't seem to really know what was happening. They had no idea of what to do to help their friends.

Hank Stanley stood in the doorway of his office and watched as his crew left. He planned to call each member and see how they were doing. He wanted to have them over for a barbecue. He needed to take care of his men. The guilt of not having done so after the call was eating away at him.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 6**

**Emily sat at the kitchen table drinking her coffee while she waited for her husband to come home. She was thankful the girls were at a friend's house for a sleepover. She had sat watching the news reports about the accident. The footage showed Hank and his crew in the heart of it. Years of being married to a firefighter taught her a lot about dealing with her husband after bad calls. He would be moody, loving, caring or sink himself into working on the lawn. She was never quite sure what his reaction would be. **

**In the years since joining Station 51 he and his crew had seen their share of tragedy. As she thought back through the years she remembered other calls. She remembered the injuries the crew had suffered and how Hank had suffered along with them. **

**Emily heard the truck pull up and quickly turned off the tv. She watched as Hank exited the truck and walked into the back yard. She noticed his defeated look, the sagging of his shoulders and the fact his head was lowered to the ground. He sat on the back porch with his head in his hands. She quickly made a cup of coffee for both of them and joined him. Something was different, something was wrong. Something beyond the call must be affecting his mood.**

"**Hank, honey, are you alright?" She handed him the coffee and sat next to him. Hank didn't reply but accepted the coffee. "If you want to talk, I'm here for you?"**

**Hank looked up into the caring eyes of his wife. They had been together for years. She knew him better than anyone else and until today he had always been able to confide in her. But today was different. Today he was filled with doubt. In a time of tragedy when his crew needed him, he had turned his back on his crew. The doubt continued. He had never thought he would do such a thing. Now looking at Emily he wondered if he was strong enough to stand by Emily if they were faced with a tragedy? "Not now dear. Em…please…not now." **

** 51 **

**Marco stood in front of his mother's home. He thought about all of the good things that had happened to him and his family through the years. It wasn't that they hadn't seen tragedy. The loss of his father and his cousin had been sudden and hurt them all a lot. But it was the strength of the family that always brought them through, a little stronger and able to see the good in the world. **

**As he walked into his mother's house he knew everything would be alright. He was immediately enveloped in a hug. Surrounded by the love of his mother he felt a weight being lifted from his shoulders. "Momma, I'm okay. I love you. I just need to lay down for a while. It was a long night. I just need a little sleep." **

**Momma Lopez couldn't say anything. She was afraid she would cry. She could see the pain on her beloved son's face. She needed to be there for him. She nodded her head and watched as he walked away without another word.**

** 51 **

**Chet Kelly had a similar experience at his own mother's home. He sat down and had a big breakfast with his mother. He wished his father were still around. His father had been a firefighter and had died in a fire. Chet knew he would have understood. His father was someone he had always been able to talk to when he needed help. **

**The only other person he knew he could call was his brother, Danny. He may not have been a firefighter but as a police officer he would understand. He had run on many similar calls. He would be able to talk with Danny and maybe together they would be able to make some sense of this horrible situation. He prayed this would help him.**

**The luck of the Irish was with him. Danny was off duty and would be able to meet him that afternoon. Chet went to shower and get ready. Danny was older than him and had looked out for him since his father died. He needed a little of that strength now.**

**His mother understood there were things her sons could not tell her. There were things she couldn't make better. She lit a candle and prayed Danny would be able to help her youngest son. They had all been through a lot since she lost her husband. Danny, Sr. was a proud man and often had shared firehouse stories with the boys. When Chet entered the service she wished her husband had shared some of the other stories. Chet didn't enter with his eyes closed. He understood what could happen. He understood the dangers first hand. But he wanted to make his father proud and he wanted to help people as his father had when he was alive.**

** 51 **

**Mike was considered to be the most stoic amongst the crew. He was soft spoken and mostly kept his nose in a book. He knew no one on the crew would believe it but he was a lot like Johnny in certain respects. He enjoyed life and being around people. He too had had a rough childhood which followed him into his adult years.**

**His father had been a strict disciplinarian and Mike learned early on how to avoid his father's wrath, avoid eye contact and do not be around as much as possible. He didn't want to be anything like his father when he grew up. He took great pride in making himself the success he was today despite his father. Butting head with his became common place as Mike had gotten older. No longer willing to sit back in fear of his father he started fighting against him. He choose a career his father completely disapproved of and as a result his father had disowned him. His mother was a meek women who believed she was to do as told by her husband. She hadn't spoken to her son since he was 22 years old and had entered the academy. He had no one but he figured in a way he never did. **

**He sat alone in his apartment and drank his coffee. Packing his bag, he headed to the beach. He loved surfing. It gave him a sense of freedom and peace. The crashing of the waves against the beach were soothing to his ears. The feel of the sand running through his toes always seemed to center and ground him. This was his way of becoming one with nature. With a smile on his face he headed to the beach. **

** 51 **

**Roy tried to get his emotions under control. When he arrived home he sought solace in his family. He was grateful to have a loving, happy, healthy family. He counted himself fortunate for his ability to come home to such a great family. When things got tough at work he would call Joanne and the kids. They always had a way of putting a smile on his face and dampen the hardships he had had to face. **

**Walking into the house he found his wife and kids in the kitchen. The sound of his son's laughter struck the first cord of his heart. The second was from the squeal of his daughter. **

**Joanne knew not to mention what she had seen on tv. That would be for a different time. A time when the children weren't around. Roy never spoke of such things in front of the kids. He thought they were too young to understand about the cruelty and injustice he saw in the world. **

"**Gooood morning!" The kids jumped for joy at hearing their father come home. Roy hugged his wife and kids and felt renewed. **

"**Do you want to get cleaned up before breakfast? I just put the biscuits in the over."**

"**Mommy let me help make the biscuits!" Jennifer was beaming with excitement.**

"**Mom watched her real close so it's safe to eat." Christopher rolled his eyes at his sister's accomplishment.**

"**Be nice Chris. Honey I think that's great. I can't wait to eat your biscuits. I'm going to clean up and I'll be right back down. What do you guys say to going to the zoo today?"**

**Chris and Jennifer started jumping up and down howling with joy. They had been wanting to go for a couple of weeks but their parents never seemed to have the time to take them.**

"**Joanne, I hope that doesn't mess up anything you had planned."**

**Joanne smiled as she looked over her shoulder. What was she going to say 'no we have other plans today'. That would break the kids hearts. It looked as if Roy needed this as much as the kids. "No, I didn't have anything planned for today that we can't do tomorrow."**

**Roy reached over and placed a kiss on her cheek. He was glad they were going. He wanted to create a special memory for his kids and himself. With their plans for the day made, he headed off to the shower. He reminded himself he should probably call the guys later to see how they are doing. But for now he needed to take care of himself and his family.**

**CHAPTER 7**

**Hank and Emily had sat on the porch for nearly an hour before the phone rang. Emily went to answer it while Hank continued to stair into the backyard. Hank hadn't said anything and she didn't want to upset him.**

"**Stanley residence." Emily watched Hank through the window. He didn't even seem to notice her absence.**

"**Hello Mrs. Stanley, may I speak to Hank?"**

**Emily recognized the Chief's voice. She wasn't sure what was going on but thought this might clear some things up for her. "Sure Pat, hold on just a minute while I get him."**

"**Emily," Chief McConnike stopped at the familiarity in her voice. "How's Hank doing this morning?"**

"**I wish I could tell you. He hasn't come in from outside. He just sits there and isn't saying anything. Pat, I've known you for years. How bad was it?"**

**Chief let out a sigh. "It was bad. As bad as it gets."**

"**Thanks Pat. I'll get Hank for you." The sound of Pat McConnike's voice spoke volumes. **

**Emily walked out onto the porch and tapped Hank on the shoulder. "Hank, Chief McConnike is on the phone for you."**

**Han startled at her touch. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts he hadn't realixed he was still sitting on the porch. "Thank Em. I'll take it in the den." He got up and slowly made his way to the den. Emily listened until he picked up and then hung up the phone.**

"**Chief, good morning." He tried to sound normal but Pat McConnike had known him for too long. As his former Captain, McConnike and Hank's family had been close. Time and distance had caused them to separate.**

"**Off the record Hank, how are you doing this morning?"**

"**Sir…"**

**Before he could say anything else McConnike interrupted him. "Hank, it's Pat. Talk to me as your old friend."**

"**Pat…" Hank smiled at the old feelings that serviced. "I don't really know. I…keep thinking about the call and…how I reacted. Pat…you were always there for us. I wasn't there for them. I let them down."**

"**No, you didn't let them down. Do you remember about 10 years ago we ran a little one that drowned in the bath tub. We were all pretty shook up. You didn't react any different yesterday, than I did after that call. I closed myself up in the office and didn't speak to any of you until the next shift. You probably didn't even realize it because you were off doing something or another."**

"**I often think back to that call. I questioned everything from my abilities as a Captain to being a good husband and father. It was you that settled me down. It was about three shift later. I believe that is when you burned my hat. I was mad but not at you as much as with myself. I had taken out all of my anger on you for three shifts. You had finally had enough and struck back."**

**Chief chuckled at the memory. "God, you were angry. It was then that I realized you were my wake up call. I started to act like myself again. I don't think I ever thanked you for that. Maybe I should have before now. You are one hell of a Captain. I would hate for you to doubt yourself after this call."**

"**Thank you sir. I guess you really do know me. I think we are all going to be alright. Thanks to you. Bringing Dr. Brackett and Dixie last night opened up all of us. It got me out of the office and made me see my men, see what was happening to them. I think I am going to call the guys and have them over tomorrow. Make sure everyone is doing alright before we go back to work nest shift."**

"**Sounds like a good idea. Let me know if you need anything. You're a good man Hank. Take care of your family and your men."**


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 8

That evening Hank started making his calls. He was pleased to hear how good everyone sounded. Each man he spoke to had found his own way to come to peace. Not everything had been settled and he knew there were still going to be some tuff moments over the next few days but for now everyone seemed to be handling thing alright.

Hank sat back in his chair and stared at the picture he had of his crew. Each man was special. Each man brought something different to the crew. Mike and Roy were often his confidants. They were mature and understood the stress of command. Mike as second in command often spoke with him of what it was like to be a captain and re-run calls they had been on to better understand the ways of command. Roy was the family man. With Roy, he often spoke of the difficulties of raising a family when you were away from home so much and of how their families dealt with the dangers of the job. Marco was the religious one. Marco showed an openness to pray and talk about his beliefs that wasn't often seen in the fire service. Chet was like the annoying little brother you loved but drove you crazy. He was filled with compassion but would pounce on anyone who showed a weakness. And then there was Johnny…

John, the youngest and often times the most vulnerable, was the only one he had been unable to reach. He was concerned but not overtly. John always spent time in the mountains when he was hurting. He had been through many tragedies in his short life. If anyone could have or should have become cold to the tragedies of others…John had every right. Somehow, the calls they ran seemed to bring out the more compassionate side of John. Where some would look at the people they ran on and say they deserved it or well, worse had happened to me, John seemed to understand what they were going through. Often times his sympathy for the victim affected him personally.

Hank didn't want to fret over not reaching John but that young man brought out the father instincts in him. It seemed like yesterday the John had spoken to him about his parents being killed in an accident. John hadn't gone into detail and after seeing his reaction to the call the night before he wondered if John's parents were killed in an auto accident.

Sitting back in his chair, he watched the sun set. His thoughts were of his friends and family. He looked forward to seeing them all the next night. He would try to call John again in the morning but until then he would send a little prayer up for John.

51

No one had been able to reach Johnny. Each member of the crew had called the others to see how they were doing. Everyone seemed to be doing alright. However, they were all disappointed when they couldn't reach Johnny. Disappointed and concerned.

Johnny was the little brother on the crew. Each member cared for the other but it was different when it came to Johnny. Johnny was the one to always place himself in harms way. He was the one to jump in and help no matter what needed to be done. He was a great friend to all of the crew. Nevertheless, each member realized that although Johnny would always be there for them, he rarely allowed anyone to be there for him, no matter how hard they tried.

51

Johnny had driven to his favorite spot. He set up his camp and went for a walk. The peace and quiet of the forest helped him to relax. Nearby he could hear the rushing water in the brook. The sound of the birds making their music rounded out what he called Nature's Band. No matter where you went on earth, you could always listen for Nature's Band.

Sitting next to the brook Johnny started thinking about his mother once again. He remembers sitting next to a brook with his mother as she taught him the rites of the Lakota. The first rite being the most important as it comes from within, peace. It is the understanding and acceptance of the universe and its powers. It is the understanding that the center of the universe lies within each soul.

As he meditated next to the brook, he reached out with his senses to become one with the forest. The peace found within the forest helped him to refocus and reestablish the peace within himself. Taking a deep breath in and slowly letting it out he felt more of the weight he had been carrying being lifted by the Spirits.

Experience had taught him that he could not forget. Now as he sat there relaxed he realized he needed to let go. Let go of the call but more important let go of the past. His mind was made up he would end this misery he had called his life the next day. He knew what he needed to do.

Back at his campsite, he pulled his sleeping bag from the tent and laid it next to the fire pit. He looked up into the evening sky. The stars were shinning tonight and for that, Johnny was thankful. He knew he only had one night to spend up here and wanted to make the most of it. The fire provided enough heat for Johnny to be comfortable.

He no longer felt trapped. He breathed a sigh of relief at having come to his decision. He knew it was right. He was afraid it might hurt some of the people he knew and cared for. Nevertheless, in the end he believed they would understand. He hoped they would be able to forgive and love him all the same. When he could no longer keep his eyes open, he fell into a peaceful sleep.

51

Kel had tried to call Johnny as well. Like the others, he was unable to reach him. His concern for his friend grew. Having talked to Johnny about his childhood and seeing the lingering signs of the abuse he had suffered caused Kel to be worried. Was this going to be the call to send his young friend over the edge?

He thought back to Johnny's behavior during the debriefing. He hadn't expected Johnny to open up in front of his crewmates. However, he had counted on the open hostility he had displayed either. It hadn't appeared that Johnny was even paying attention.

Kel had learned long ago not to under estimate his young friend. Having lived through the atrocities of his youth, John had grown into a caring, respectful and respected young man. Though he had often believed he was a little younger than his reported age, never would he have thought a child of 16 would have been able to make it in the fire service without being found out. His hard work and dedication had paved the way for him to be accepted. His determination had earned him respect from his fellow peers.

Kel had often wondered if the reason Johnny had put himself in harms way so often was to try to prove something tot eh others. Now with the additional information he had he realized John wasn't trying to prove something to anyone. He simply didn't want to see anyone else get hurt. He still didn't see the value he had amongst his crewmates and his friends. He still had many of the doubts left from his childhood.

Sitting on the back porch of his home, Kel looked up to the sky and saw the stars sparkling. He hoped Johnny was safe. He hoped Johnny had found some way to deal with what had happened. He knew he would be there for his friend when he needed him. His final hope was that Johnny would actually allow him to help.

Their time in the mountains when they had camped had brought them closer together. Many times since, they had gotten together, to talk, to laugh and sometimes to solve a problem. John had impressed Kel with his outlook on life and how he dealt with the things around him.

Shaking his head and smiling, he remembered not more than a week ago when they had sat on this same porch and talked about a man he and Roy had brought in.

John had been rather upset about the man dying. He was afraid he had missed something. The man had simply complained of flu like symptoms. The more he had interview his patient, the more he realized this was not a case of the flu. The man had mistaken his nausea and vomiting for the flu when in reality he was having a heart attack. The man had passed away upon arrival at the hospital.

They had talked for an hour about what could have been done different. What they had finally agreed upon was that neither the hospital or John and Roy were at fault. The man hadn't realized what was happening and had delayed his care because of it. In all likely hood the outcome wouldn't have been different had they arrived at the hospital sooner. Johnny had finally accepted that he had done nothing wrong and that nothing would have changed the outcome.

Kel always felt better after talking with Johnny. He hoped Johnny had felt the same. Of all the people he knew, regardless of age, Johnny was an old soul. He had an understanding beyond his years. He often hid behind his childlike persona but when push came to shove, Johnny was a mature, focused professional.

Heading off to bed, Kel prayed for his friend. He prayed Johnny would be able to come through this. He knew his life would have a hole in it if anything were to happen to his friend.

51

Roy looked in on his children again. They had had a great day and the kids were exhausted. He had talked to Hank earlier and was looking forward to the barbecue the next day. The others seemed to be doing alright as well. But his concern was for Johnny.

Johnny was like a little brother to him. He and his family had adopted Johnny in years ago. He chuckled when he remember the look on Johnny's face the first time Jenny called him "Uncle Johnny". The shocked look was quickly followed by a questioning look towards Joanne and him. They had both shrugged their shoulders.

"_It wasn't us Johnny. Jennifer and Chris took a vote. You are now officially their Uncle. I hope you don't mind."_

_Johnny was smiling and shaking his head. "No…ah…I…ah… don't mind at all. I've never had anyone call me uncle before." Turning to the kids, he gave them a big hug._

"_Uncle Johnny will you come play with us?" Chris loved playing with John. They would toss a ball back and forth or practice playing catch. Johnny was always nice and never critical of him when he dropped the ball._

"_Sure, why don't you both go pick out a game and I'll be right out." Johnny was riding on cloud nine._

"God help him. Please keep my little brother safe. He is such a big part of my kids' lives. He is such a good influence on them." Roy closed the door and headed to his own room. Joanne was already asleep. He reached over and placed a kiss on her cheek before crawling into bed next to her.

51

Dixie had just finished her shift when she walked to her car. She was tired and wanted nothing more than to go home to a nice hot bath. It had been a long day.

She thought about the men of Station 51. She was close to all of them. After Johnny and Roy had saved her life in the early days of the paramedic program, she had quickly found a soft spot in her heart for them. Through the years, she grew closer to all of them, through picnics and tragedies.

As she drove along, she thought back to the meeting they had had at the station. She hadn't expected the men to open up. She had thought it was pointless to go and talk to them.

However, she had been wrong. These men were different. They were a family. They worked, played, laughed and cried together. They were special and as a result, they were able to open up to each other and start to heal.

She had spoken to some of the other team leaders. They had had the experience she had expected. _This is a man's job. If you can't handle it…find another line of work._ She prayed they would all be alright.

"Maybe someday we will learn to take care of each other as well as we take care of the public? God help us all and keep us safe until then."

51


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 9

Johnny rose before the sun and headed back to the brook. Sitting on the side of the brook he was able to watch the sun rise over the mountains. As it rose higher into the sky he began to think of the Robert Frost poem _Nothing Gold Can Stay_.

He remembered reading it in grade school. His mother's teachings of the Lakota solidified his love of the poem. It was a short powerful poem. It had struck a cord with Johnny. As the sun rose higher into the sky he was reminded of the final line "_nothing gold can stay._"

"_Nature's first green is gold,_

_Her hardest hue to hold._

_Her early leaf's a flower;_

_but only so an hour._

_Then leaf subsides to leaf._

_So Eden sank to grief,_

_So dawn goes down to day._

_Nothing gold can stay._

_(By Robert Frost)_

Looking back at his life he realized this poem could just as easily have been about his life. He thought about the poem as it described the colors of the sky and how it changed from its earliest color of gold to the finality of grief because as the title said nothing gold can stay.

For him the golden years were the ones spent with his mom and dad. It wasn't long and he didn't really remember them but when he did remember that time it was with a sense of peace.

Then came the years with just him and his mom. They weren't as peaceful but they were better than what was to come. His Eden. His golden hour came to an end with the coming of Strongbow.

He had known hard times and had understood as much as a four year old could about grief. But Strongbow brought a whole new set of problems, tensions and grief. These were the years filled with pain, confusion and fear. It was then he learned to hide how he felt. He learned to lie or make up stories about the bruises. It was then he truly understood what fear was…fear was the night Strongbow killed his mother in a drunken rage and then killed himself. Fear was seeing his mother's body in a pool of blood with a blanket thrown across her. He learned what it meant to fear for his life as Strongbow had looked for him before he had killed himself.

51

Hank and Emily made the final preparations for the barbecue. They were looking forward to having all of the families together. It was important to Hank to be there for his men. He felt better after talking to the Chief. It had given him some perspective. But he wanted to make sure his men understood he was really there for them. He had had very few experiences in the fire service where he felt his Captain understood and was there for him. He wanted to be different. He wanted to be the Captain he had wanted, the Captain these men deserved.

"Em, have I told you that I love you?" Hank smiled as he watched Emily place the last of the condiments on the tables. The backyard had been turned into a party. Now it only needed the guest to arrive.

Emily looked up into the eyes of her beloved husband. "Yes, but you can tell me again. I never tire of hearing it."

"You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I thank God every day for you. I love you. Thank you for all your hard work and for what you have done for my men."

"They are my family as well. They keep you safe, same as you do for them. And Mr. Henry Stanley, you were the best thing to ever happen to me. You were _my knight in shining armor_. (just a hint of sarcasm noted) Seriously, I couldn't have dreamed of a better life than the one I have spent with you." They hugged and with a final kiss she continued on, "Now let's get this party started and have a little fun. Have you tried to call Johnny lately."

Hank shook his head and looked at the ground. "Yeah, about 15 minutes ago. Still no answer at his home. I hope he is alright. Em he's just so damn…he was so quiet. He didn't talk to me and from what I could tell he didn't talk to Roy either. I just would hate to see something happen to him. I hope he gets my messages and shows up here or at least gives me a call. Otherwise, I guess I will just have to wait until morning and pray he shows up to work."

Emily knew this weighed heavy on her husband's shoulders. He had talked about how the other men were seemingly doing fine. But Johnny was elusive. He wasn't certain how the young medic was doing and it was slowly but surly driving him mad. She too said a prayer for all of his men and an extra prayer for Johnny. Experience had taught her how tight these men were and how they pulled together if one of them got hurt. But if that someone was Johnny, there was an added intensity to the situation.

51

Roy and Joanne had the kids packed and ready to go. He had tried to call Johnny again but still received no reply. He left a message and prayed his friend was okay. Joanne had watched as Roy became increasingly distraught over his concern for Johnny.

"Roy, why don't we stop at Johnny's on the way? Maybe he'll be home by then and we can take him with us to the party. What do you say?"

Both of the kids heard her and cheered for Uncle Johnny. "Dad, can we…can we go get Uncle Johnny?" "Yeah dad let's get Uncle Johnny!"

Roy rolled his eyes. "Sure we can run by but guys, I don't know if he's even home. If he is we'll try to drag him to the party."

Joanne watched as the smile grew across her husband's face. She was pleased to see it and hoped Johnny would be home. She understood only seeing Johnny with his own two eyes would settle her husband down.

51

When they arrived at Johnny's they didn't see his Land Rover in the drive. But what they did see were Mike, Marco and Chet.

Mike laughed as Roy pulled up. "Looks like great minds think alike."

Roy laughed also. "Yeah but how does that explain Chet being here?" Even Chet grinned at the remark. "Seriously, no sign of Johnny?"

"Nope. We talked to his landlady. She has seen him since yesterday morning when he got home from work." Marco wasn't happy about that but he knew it wasn't unusual for Johnny to take off either.

"Maybe he's already headed to Cap's. I'm sure if he heard there would be food, he'd be there."

All of the men laughed. Johnny has a ferocious appetite not to be matched by anyone on the crew.

"Well Chet, then I guess we better get over to Cap's and see."

They headed as a small caravan to the Stanley residence. When they arrived and told Cap what had happened they all laughed.

51

The barbecue was to be a celebration of life. It was to reaffirm their friendship and give them a chance to relax. Everyone was having a good time but there was a piece missing. Throughout the course of the evening the men continued to listen for the phone to ring and looked to the gate to see if Johnny was going to walk in.

After dinner the men sat around and talked while the women were inside the house chatting away. The kids played in the backyard and all was great. All except for their missing man.

Slowly the conversation turned to their last shift. They talked in detail about how they felt and how they had been dealing with everything. Then the conversation turned again. This time it turned to Johnny.

Each of the men was upset at not having sought out their friend after the call was over. Looking back they now realized that Johnny had not only, not participated in the meeting with the Chief and Brackett but had disappeared when they had sat and talked afterwards.

"You know he never even said goodbye in the morning." Chet sat with his hands together and his arms leaning on his knees. He looked up before he continued. "I have been more worried about him since he left than I was upset about the call. Danny and I talked for a few hours and it helped me a lot. Even Danny said I should be worried about Gage. It's just not right that a guy that can talk non-stop didn't have anything to say."

The others joined him in his concern. None of them had an answer and from the looks of things they weren't going to get one tonight.

51

Kel was once again sitting on his back porch. He had watched the sun set and now was enjoying the peace and quiet. It had been an easy day at work. Well, as easy as it can be working in the ER. He hadn't had any more time to think about his friends. He and Dixie had shared lunch but it was quick and they didn't get a chance to talk.

A knock at the door brought him back to the present. He waited and listened again to make sure he had really heard it. Putting his glass of beer down on the table he went to answer the door. He was a little perplexed as to who it could be. He hadn't expected company.

Opening the door he was caught by surprise. "Hi Kel, can we talk."

"Sure…come on in. Do you want something to drink?"

"Just ice water please. I think I need to be sober for this conversation."

Johnny was the last person he expected to see standing on his porch. He looked at his friend, who although apprehensive didn't appear to be in trouble. "Let me get you that water. We can talk on the back porch. That's where I was when you knocked."

"Thanks…the cover of darkness may not be such a bad thing anyway." Johnny didn't wait for a reply. He slowly made his way to the porch. He and Dr. Brackett had been friends now for a while. They had started out as adversaries and now Johnny considered Kel a good friend.

51

Kel got the glass of water and made a pitcher to take with him along with an extra glass for himself. He didn't think tonight would be a drink and talk kind of night. When Kel approached the porch he watched as Johnny leaned on the railing. He looked tense. Kel hoped he would be able to help his friend.

"Not many stars out tonight."

"No there sure isn't Johnny. But I don't think you came here at 9 o'clock at night to talk about the weather and lack of stars. So what gives friend?"

With great care Johnny turned to face his friend. He wasn't sure how he should start this but he knew it needed to be done. He couldn't go back to 51's otherwise.

"I went camping yesterday. I drove straight here when I came back. You would have loved it. It was clear last night with lots of stars." Johnny stopped there and looked around.

"John have a seat. Let's talk. Where did you go?" Kel understood his friend. He would talk about nonessential things until he worked up the courage to tell him what was really on his mind. Kel knew not to push; Johnny would talk in his own time.

"Thanks." He took a seat and grabbed a glass of water. "After that call the other night I needed to find a little peace. I went to a spot I know and started a fast. I sat by this great little brook and mediated well into the night. I came to a decision and I wanted to come here and tell you about it. I didn't want to write it down. You are the only one I can talk to, I hope you'll understand."

"John, whatever it is we'll get you through it."

"Of that I have no doubt. But your idea of getting through and mine may be different. I've made a decision about my life. I can't keep going on like this…"

51

By 9:30 the men and their families were all headed home. Johnny hadn't shown. But Hank still considered the night a success. He would have to wait to see Johnny in the morning. He tried to call his house one more time but did not have any success.

Hank prepared himself for a long day the next day. They had all been through a lot. He just wanted to make certain they were all healing.

51


	6. Chapter 6

I apologize for the delay in this final segment. Life got in the way…

WARNING: Child abuse and racial slurs.

CHAPTER 10

"Okay Johnny. You have my curiosity peaked. What kind of decision have you made?" Kel was worried. With everything that had happened and Johnny's reaction he was afraid of what his friend had decided. Would he quit the program or worse?

"Doc…the call…I know you wanted us to talk the other night but…I…really…I couldn't." He wasn't sure how to go on. "It wasn't the call that had me so…off. Well not totally, I mean it bothered me and all but…you know it's kind of hard to talk to the guys sometimes. They've been around and well…I'm still new. I kinda felt like…I don't know like I didn't have the rite to feel the way I do…did … If… If that had been the only problem I had had…maybe I could have…dealt with it." Johnny stopped he din't know how to continue. He needed to gather his thoughts.

"Johnny what's going on? Will you let me help?" Kel's concern grew as he watched his normally confident friend stumble and stutter through.

Smiling Johnny replied, "Yes. Actually that's why I came here. You see I…Our talks and our friendship have helped me a lot. I never had anyone that I could confide in. It's kind of hard at times. It's not something I am accustomed to being able to do. You don't usually make me feel uncomfortable. I think you've always been able to read me better than anyone else I know. I mean come on…as my doctor you have either guessed at or should have known some things just by treating me. As my friend I'm glad you don't push. I can't tell Roy or the guys. They wouldn't understand…and Chet already hassles me enough. I don't particularly want to add to his list."

"I never have understood how you put up with him." Kel shook his head. He always thought Johnny was a strong person for not throttling Chet for the pranks he pulls.

Johnny gave a shy or maybe a sly smile as he answered Kel. "Don't tell him or I will deny it but compared to other stuff I've dealt with, he's not that big a deal. He doesn't know anything that could really hurt me and I'm going to keep it that way."

"I can understand. So do you want to tell me about the call?" Kel still wasn't sure if Johnny was going to open up or remain elusive.

"Not really but I guess I should give you this. Yeah. It was a bad scene. They were young and like the others said, it's hard to get pass the fact that they wont grow up…I mean they were probably good kids and all. They just made dumb decisions and now they're dead. I've seen it before and have known people who have died way too young…but you see…that's not what upset me… it's what they dredged. I guess with us having talked about my pass and all, I should probably open up a little more about some things.. You and I have really talked a lot about stuff that I haven't thought about in years. So I guess that's kinda pushed some stuff up front, if you know what I mean." Johnny tilted his head as he looked at Kel. He hoped Kel understood what he was saying but he wasn't sure.

"I think I do. What about the call brought up the past for you? Is it something you want to talk about?" Kel was concerned but he was starting to think maybe Johnny was alright after all. "Johnny, relax. People often have strong memories come back to them as a result of something they see, smell or taste."

51

The party had broken up and the guys had all gone home. Hank and Emily had gone off to bed but Hank hadn't been able to sleep well. Though the night had gone well he was still concerned about John. By 3 am he had given up on the idea of sleep.

Rolling over and kissing Emily on the forehead, Hank climbed out of bed and headed to the kitchen. He didn't want to disturb her. He made a pot of coffee and then laid back in his recliner. His thoughts were still focused on Johnny. If only he had been able to reach him. He figured by now Johnny had to have gotten home. Yet still he did not call. Johnny was known for a lot of things but not returning calls wasn't one of them.

Hank thought about it and tried to give John an excuse. "Well, maybe it was late when he got in and he didn't want to disturb my sleep. Like he isn't disturbing my sleep by not calling."

51

"You know this isn't the first time we've had a bad call. But there was something about it… something that brought everything back." There were tears in his eyes as he looked up to Kel. "I know I'm jumping around but when I was camping I started thinking about my mom. That brought me to my decision. The only way for me to find peace is for me to get all of this off my chest. You told me you would be there for me as my friend and or my physician. You are the only one I could think of to talk to. I don't know for sure but I kind of think I need you to fill that double role tonight."

Kel was relieved, for now, that Johnny only wanted to talk. He could handle this. "Sure, John, I'm more than happy to listen to you. We'll get through this."

"Please let me get all the way through before you ask me anything. I have never told anyone about the night my mom and Strongbow died but something about that call brought it all back to me. Can you do that for me? Can you let me get it all out first?"

"Yes John. I'll wait to the end. Just take your time." Kel knew this was a big step for Johnny. In all the years he had known John, John had never been willing to share information about his past if it was serious.

"I know I told you they both died when I was 12. But there's more to it than that they just died. I kind of miss led you about that…sorry. I insinuated it was an accident. But, it sure as hell wasn't an accident." Kel could almost tell there was a bit of anger in Johnny's voice.

"It was July 15th and it was hot. Strongbow had lost his job and things were tougher than they had ever been before. It was hot…dripping hot. Our electric had been turned off and we were miserable. To top things off Strongbow was drunk, rip, roaring drunk. I'd never seen him that drunk before and it scared the crap out of me. I could usually figure out how bad the night was going to be for me based on how drunk he was. He'd put me in the hospital a few times when he was really drunk. But this was worse. I remember it all like it was yesterday."

51

"_Boy get your ass in here. I told you to clean this room. When I say clean something I mean clean it." Strongbow was barely able to stand much less walk. The anger poured out with each word he spoke._

_Johnny walked into the room and started to clean it again. He didn't really see anything wrong with how it looked but was willing to do whatever it took to make Strongbow happy. He was sore from the beating he had been given that morning. He didn't want to get hit again. _

_Strongbow watched and waited for Johnny to get close to him. As soon as he did Strongbow grabbed him and turned him over the end of the couch. The belt was out and ready to go. Strongbow began striking Johnny, "You worthless half breed. I don't know why we keep you around. All you do is eat and take up space."_

_Johnny was openly crying. The beating that morning had taken it's toll. Strongbow gave up on the belt and began raining strikes with his fist upon Johnny's slender body. When he passed out from the pain Strongbow continued to strike him. When he finally stopped Johnny was a mass of bruising. He was having difficulty breathing._

_When Strongbow left the house Sarah, Johnny's mother, went to help her son. Strongbow had been a kind and caring soul when she first started dating him. Or so she had thought. Everything had gone great for the first month. Then he met Johnny and everything changed._

_Strongbow knew Sarah was married before. He had died shortly after Johnny's birth. Strongbow didn't know she had married a white man. He hated the white men. He had been beaten in a fight as a child by a group of white teens. He liked Sarah but couldn't get pass Johnny. He had never struck Sarah before but he did the night he met Johnny._

_Sarah cared for her son but thought she needed a man in the house to help her and to protect her and Johnny. She married Strongbow 3 months later. The beatings had never ended and after the marriage they had gotten worse. Now as she knelt by her son's side she knew this was her fault. But she didn't know what to do about it. She carried Johnny to his room and treated his injuries as best she could. She feared calling for help or trying to take Johnny to the hospital. The last time she had done that she was beat and Johnny almost ended up in the hospital again. She feared for her son's health but she didn't know where to turn._

_Johnny awoke to the pain caused by his mother's care. He whimpered but didn't say anything. She knew she could try to heal his wounds but she didn't know how to heal his heart. She sang to him and prayed for the Spirits to provide an answer. _

_It was 4 hours before Strongbow returned, nearly midnight. He was more sober than before but still the anger was boiling within him. He didn't want this life any more and though it was against his beliefs he decided he was going to end this agony. He had driven around and came to a park nearby. There he had sat until he could decide how he was going to end this misery. He wanted to make them pay, especially the kid. If it weren't for him, things wouldn't be so bad. He knew what he was going to do before he returned home._

_As soon as he returned, Strongbow packed Johnny and Sarah into the car. He said they were going for a drive. He __said __it was to help all of them cool off. That's what he said. _

_Johnny sat in the back seat. He was terrified. He knew something was wrong but didn't know what. Strongbow had never taken them for a ride. He had never been nice to Johnny before and now suddenly he was doing something to be 'kind'. Johnny hung close to the door, his blanket in hand. He wasn't sure what he was going to happen or what he was going to do. _

_Strongbow headed back to the park. It was off the beaten path, he counted on that to give him time to put his plan into action. He stopped below the street lamp and got out. He walked to the front of the car. He pulled something from his pocket but Johnny couldn't see what. "Sarah get out of the car. We need to talk."_

_Without questioning his motives Sarah got out and rounded the car. Johnny watched from the back seat. Not another word was spoken. Johnny saw the flash of the gun. He heard his mother scream briefly. He watched her fall and then Strongbow turned towards the car. Quickly he got out of the car and ran into the nearby woods. He didn't know where he was going but knew he couldn't stay. Strongbow chased after him but couldn't catch him. He shot blindly into the dark. He only had two bullets left and didn't want to risk not having one for himself. He headed back to the car after searching for a while. He couldn't believe the little squirt had gotten away from him. He looked down at Sarah and decided she was dead. It wasn't perfect, the runt had gotten away but it would have to do._

"_Look at what you made me do you worthless piece of shit. If it weren't for you, Sarah and I could have had a great life. But you were always around. You caused this. I'll see you in hell." He screamed to make sure Johnny heard every word. Johnny had made his way back to the edge of the woods and watched helplessly as Strongbow turned the gun on himself. _

_Once Johnny saw there was no movement from Strongbow, he went back to the car. He didn't know what to do. He wasn't sure how far he was from anyone that could help. Looking at the still forms before him he knew there was nothing to be done. He sat under the street lamp and watched as the blood pooled around his mother's body. Rocking back and forth he sat. _

_At 1 am a park ranger making his rounds and noticed a boy by a street lamp. He went to investigate. Upon approaching the vehicle he noticed the bodies. He immediately called for the police. The boy didn't move or say a word. _

_The bodies lay motionless on the pavement. The lights splashing across the scene. Red, Blue, Red, Blue. The bright white spot lights left nothing to the imagination as they lit the parking lot. The photographers snapped picture after picture. _

_The officers approached the boy and moved him to the squad car. He would have to be transported to the hospital. They tried to talk to the him but could get nothing out of him. He was pale and clammy. As they made their way to the hospital the boy remained silent._

_Johnny was aware of everything around him. He had just watched his world shatter before him and now he didn't know what to do. He was frightened. He didn't want to talk. He didn't want to admit he had stood by and not protected his mother. He didn't want to tell them it was his fault. _

_When he arrived at the hospital he was brought to a room. An officer, Paul Timmons, remained with him hoping the boy would come out of his trance and tell them what happened. Paul hope to find out who the boy was and were his family could be found. He realized most likely the people in the park were his parents but did he have other family?_

_Johnny remained silent. He didn't appear to notice anything going on around him. Paul was beginning to wonder if the child was an idiot. Johnny hadn't reacted to anything going on around him until he was seated on the gurney. When the doctor entered the room Johnny recognized him. He had seen this doctor before when he had been hurt by Strongbow. He had fixed him up and sent him back to his living hell. This doctor had never seemed liked he cared what happened to Johnny, not until today. _

_The doctor too recognized his young patient. He had seen him numerous times and new the child was being beaten. According to the law you had to see who had done the beating. He had never been able to prove what he knew to be the truth. "Johnny, it's Dr. Simpson. Your safe now. No one can hurt you. Can you tell me where it hurts?"_

_He looked up to the doctor and started to cry again. He ignored the fact that a police officer was present. He reached out to Dr. Simpson who held him in a hug. Johnny's crying became worse. "IT'S ALL MY FAULT. STRONGBOW KILLED MOM BECAUSE OF ME. HE…HE…" He couldn't continue. He broke down crying and became hysterical._

51

Kel sat in shock. He had assumed Johnny's parents were killed in an accident. Now he sat listening to the kind hearted man talk about watching his mother be murdered. He was in awe of how Johnny had turned out to be such a caring compassionate man. To have lived through so much and still continue to find the good in life.

"Kel, I have never spoken about that night since breaking down to the doc. The police officer questioned me and then he left me alone. They sedated me and kept me calm until they were able to reach my Aunt Rose. Aunt Rose brought me here to Los Angeles and I never went back. She never asked and I never told her what happened."

Johnny reached for his glass of water. Kel noticed the slight tremble of his hands. Johnny had been talking for over an hour. He was glad he had a friend he could talk to about what he was feeling and what he was remembering. He had never trusted anyone before…he didn't want to risk opening himself up for ridicule.

"So you see, it wasn't the call from the other night that had me so down. When I watched the bodies be covered up and the flashing of the lights, well, it just brought it all back. Through the years I have become resolved to the idea that it wasn't my fault. Strongbow was a horrible human being. He took everything away from me. He stole my youth, my innocents and my mother. It took me a long time to realize the damage he had done. It probably would have helped if I had had someone like you to talk to. The Doctors I dealt with didn't give a crap about what was happening inside. They never asked me how I felt. When I told you I left Aunt Rose's house after only a year it was because I couldn't face her any longer. I knew she knew. The idea of her taking pity on me and yet still never talking to me about it…well it was just too much. She never spoke of my parents. No one ever said their names again. The only time I ever saw their names were on papers that had to be filled out. It was too much…I went off on my own and…well, you kinda know the rest of the story."

He sank back into the chair and relaxed. It felt good to have talked about this. Now, he hoped Kel understood him a little better.

"How are you doing?" Kel was worried about his friend.

"Better. Better than I have in years. I'm sorry to dump all this on you. But I gotta tell ya, its helped." He smiled and Kel could tell his friend was doing much better than he had when he showed up on his door step that evening.

"Johnny, you can always talk to me." He thought for a moment before he continued. "Now I understand why you take it to heart when you see victims of violence. I had always assumed it was because you were abused. But now…the fact that you do what you do…how do you keep it together?" He shook his head in wonder and curiosity.

"I camp…a lot." He smirked. "You see in my culture there are three rites. The first and most important is peace. Peace is something I find when I am camping. It grounds me and makes me see the bigger picture. Growing up on the rez and then when I was on the streets, I knew people who drank, did drugs and other things you don't want to know about. That was how they coped. I saw the results of what drinking did to my family. I never forgot. I never did drugs because I didn't want the loss of control and I didn't want to turnout like Strongbow. What I saw of people doing drugs…it scared the hell out of me. They were out of control and sometimes violent. I had had enough of violence I sure didn't need anymore." He looked up into the understanding eyes of his friend. "I remembered what my mother taught me. I go into the woods and leave my troubles behind. I sit and listen to the sounds of nature and realize my problems are insignificant. I thought about everything while I was away."

Johnny paused. He wasn't sure how to continue. Kel was just about to say something when Johnny continued. "When I was up there I started to realize how much of a pain in the ass I was to you the other night. Please let me apologize I didn't want to drop this bomb on you the other night and I sure didn't want to say something in front of the guys. What you and Dixie did for the guys…you helped them. There is no way you could have known what was going through my mind. I didn't want you to worry and think I was going to go off half cocked and do anything stupid. I just needed a little time. I still need to apologize to Dixie as well. I just don't know how to do it without saying everything else. I don't want her or any of the others to know. It's known of their business."

"I was concerned you were going to quit the program. Or possibly quit the department. All I could think was how hard it would be for you and the guys if you weren't around. I don't think you realize even today what a contribution you make to your crew, to your friends and to the strangers you run on. Thank you for coming to talk to me but don't feel like I was looking for an apology. I knew something was up. I figured you would talk when you were ready. I'm glad you felt you could talk to me. I can talk to Dix for you and tell her you are alright."

"I can't believe how much I have told you. Roy would flip out." Johnny yawned and started to notice the stars had shifted since he first sat down. "Kel, I'm sorry I kept you up all night. I guess I should have waited until our next day off."

"No problem. I work night shift tomorrow. But don't you have to work this morning?"

"Yeah, I better…(yawn)…get going. I have to be to work in 4 hours. I think I'll just run home and get my uniform. I can sleep on the couch with Henry. At least I won't be late for work and maybe get a few extra minutes of sleep."

"Be careful. If you need anything else, call."

51

Hank arrived early the next morning. When he entered the kitchen he realized something was wrong. He was afraid they had had their own horrible night. Everyone sat around the table drinking coffee but no one was talking. He crossed over to get his own coffee. When he turned around he noticed Johnny lying on the couch.

"When did he get here?" Quietly he asked so as not to disturb his young crewmate.

Bob Bellingham was the first to answer, "Don't really know. We had a call about 3 am and found him asleep on the couch when we came back. He didn't stir when the morning wake up sounded either. We've just stayed relatively quiet so he could sleep. Don't know if he's sick or what?"

"Well, I guess we need to find out." Hank crossed over to the couch and reached down to wake Johnny. As soon as he touched Johnny on the arm, Johnny sat bolt upright with a look of fright on his face. "John, it's me Hank."

"Sorry Cap. I guess I was really out of it. I'm not late for roll call am I?" Wiping sleep from his eyes.

Hank smiled at his young friend. "No not at all. I just wanted to make sure you are alright. Are you?"

"Yeah, haven't been better. Went camping and got in late last night. I didn't want to be late so I cleaned up and came here to sleep. I hope it's not a problem."

"No, why don't you go get ready and then meet me in my office." Johnny nodded and excused himself.

51

Hank sat behind the desk and waited for Johnny. He was concerned. He remembered the signs Dr. Brackett had warned them to look for and excessive sleeping was one of them. Johnny walked into the office looking tired.

"John, close the door and have a seat." Hank waited for him to comply before he continued. "How are you doing? I tried to call, hell everyone has tried to call you. We're worried about you."

"Cap, I'm fine. I didn't get home until early this morning and just grabbed my uniform and came in here. I'm fine, really." Johnny was smiling. He knew how much Hank cared. "I didn't mean to worry you. Sorry about that."

"I worry about all of you. Is there anything you need to tell me or anything you want to talk about?"

"No, like I said I'm fine. Actually, I went to talk to Kel last night. That's why I didn't get home until so late. If you want you can give him a call. But you should probably wait until this afternoon. We were up late talking about stuff and he's probably trying to get some sleep. He has to work tonight."

"Ok, John. I'll do that but until then if you need to talk or anything my door is always open."

51

Everyone seemed to be back to normal at roll call. Morning assignments were begun and finished without interruption. Hank was glad to see how well everyone was doing.

Each of the crew members took the time to talk to each other about how they were and to Johnny about his trip. They didn't know what Johnny had found in the mountains but he was definitely better than he had been when they had last seen him.

Hank looked into the kitchen to find all of his men sitting at the table playing cards. Johnny was participating and everything seemed to be going fine. It was getting late in the day and they had had several runs but nothing major.

Dinner was peaceful and uninterrupted. Hank was glad to see his crew be given a break from the horrors of their job.

51

No sooner had the thought occurred to Hank then the claxon sounded sending them on a vehicle accident. Station 51 responded along with two other stations. It was a big pile up on the highway. Hank said a little prayer for his crew. They were just getting back to normal he didn't want them to have to deal with anything that would set them back.

"LA Engine 51 on scene. We have at least 10 vehicles involved. One on fire, two over turned and possible persons trapped. Send 5 additional ambulances and two engine for man power."

Hank jumped down off the truck and began issuing orders. He looked to his men but they were already doing what he was ordering. Marco was hitting the car fire. Chet was searching the area for survivors. Johnny and Roy were triaging the patients. Mike was operating the truck. As additional man power came in they were able to divide up the assignments and get more accomplished.

Hank looked to his men to see how they were doing. So far they already had two fatalities. Who knew what the final count would be…he prayed there would be no additions.

Marco and Chet had covered the victims from the vehicle fire and had moved on two help Roy and Johnny. Roy was working with a teenager and her mother. They were trapped but appeared to be uninjured at this time. Johnny wasn't so lucky.

Hank's heart beat faster as he approached to see Johnny starting CPR on a small child. His mother was unconscious and laying just a few feet away. Johnny and Chet worked hard and were nothing but professional. Hank could tell their efforts were most likely futile but he wouldn't stop them. They had enough help and more on the way.

"Cap…can you contact Rampart?" Johnny didn't even look up when he spoke.

"Sure John." Hank contacted Rampart and was glad to hear the voice of Kel Brackett on the line. "Go ahead John. I have Dr. Brackett on the line."

"2 victims. Victim 1, approximately 35 year old female…unconscious, fractured left wrist, hematoma on the frontal lobe. VS stable at this time…pupils sluggish but responsive. Victim 1... 3 year old female…found pulse less and apenic. CPR initiated. Pt now has a pulse and respirations are being assisted. No fractures obvious…possible internal injuries…bruising on the abdomen…hematoma to the occipital lobe. Ready to transport immediately."

Hank relayed orders from Dr. Brackett and sent Chet along to assist enroute. Hank assisted getting both victims loaded into the ambulance. As he gave the customary two thumps on the back of the ambulance he sent another prayer out for his crew.

After Johnny left, Hank made his way over to Roy. His victims were doing alright. Minor cuts and abrasions. Nothing that would require him to do a follow up at the hospital. As soon as he could Hank pulled Roy to the side and told him about Johnny's victims. Roy headed to the hospital to collect Chet and hopefully Johnny. He too was concerned about his friend.

51

The ride to the hospital seemed to take forever. Johnny and Chet worked hard to maintain the child. They arrived at the hospital and turned their victims over to the Doctors. Johnny trusted the docs at Rampart. He knew he had done his best and there was nothing left for him to do.

Chet was anxious and wanted to get back to quarters. He hated hospital and didn't want to spend anoy more time than absolutely necessary. He wasn't happy about the kid but he was alright with what he and Johnny were able to do.

Roy arrived at the hospital to find Chet and Johnny in the lounge. Both appeared relaxed and seemed at ease. Roy didn't want to jinx it. They quietly made their way back to the house. Hank was waiting for the men when they arrived. They appeared to be alright but he was still concerned about John.

51

Kel finally had the chance to sit down in his office. Hank Stanley left him an urgent message. He was concerned about Johnny. Kel hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary when he spoke to Johnny earlier. He reached for the phone and was happy to hear Hank answer the phone.

"Hank, what's going on? Did Johnny get hurt and not tell us?" He was a little worried but again nothing had seemed out of place.

"No, he's not hurt. How was he when he was at the hospital? I have been meaning to call you. Johnny was sleeping on the couch this morning and apparently showed up here sometime after 3 am. Kel…I'm worried about him. Are you sure he's okay to work?"

"Hank first of all, yes he was fine when he was in here earlier. Second, Johnny told me he was going to head in to work when he left my place this morning. He didn't want to be late. Finally, Johnny is fine. I can't tell you what we talked about both as his friend and his physician but I can tell you he is fine. He's dealing with some stuff but it is not related to the job."

"Thank God. Kel thanks for being their for me and my men. It's nice to know I have some backup with them. Is there anything I can do to help John?"

"No Hank. Just give him a little time. I doubt he will ever tell you what is going on. Like I said I really can't say much but I can tell you he is fine."

"Thanks Kel. I'll talk to you later."

Hank sat at his desk thinking about John, his conversation with Kel and about his men in general.

51

Not long after he hung up with Kel, Johnny knocked on the office door. Hank looked up into the anxious face of Johnny.

"John…do you need something?"

"Yeah Cap…you got a minute?"

"Sure come on in."

Johnny walked into the office closing the door behind him. He sat on the couch in front of the desk and tried to think about what he was going to say. Hank sat patiently knowing John needed a moment.

"Cap, I…this is harder than talking to Kel. Cap…I'm okay. I know you are and were worried about me but honestly I haven't been this good in years. I know you don't understand that but….I talked to Kel last night and well into the morning. He's really been a help to me these past several months but no more so than yesterday. I can't go into this with you right now….it's all too raw….Maybe…well maybe someday I will be able to talk to you about all of this but not yet. Just know that I am okay. I am working through this and no it wont affect my job. I'm sorry I am being so vague but I don't know what else to say…I just can't talk about it right now."

When Johnny remained silent and Hank was certain he was finished he responded. "John I do worry about you and all of the men. I know I don't tell you this often enough but you are a valued member of this crew. You give us life and we always know you are there to back us up when we need you. I just want to make sure you know we are always here for you as well. If you need me…day or night…I will be there for you."

"I know that Cap. Thank you. Maybe some day I will be able to talk to you about this but don't count on it. I had never told anyone before…talking to Kel last night was the first time I ever spoke of it in 15 years. You are going to have to give me some time before I will be able to talk about it again. Cap…we're lucky to have you as a Cap." Johnny looked down at the floor and then rose from the couch. "I guess I'll head off to bed. Everyone else has already turned in. Good night Cap."

"Night John." Hank wasn't sure what Johnny was talkinga bout but he seemed to be doing fine just like he and Kel had said. He hoped what ever was going on he would be able to work it out.

51

Kel sat on the lounge chair next to Dixie. He loved that women more and more every day. Maybe someday he would actually tell her.

"Dix, Johnny came by last night. He wanted me to tell you he was sorry for the other night. It didn't have anything to do with you, he was working through something else. He also told me to tell you he was grateful for you coming to help out the crew." Kel sighed and looked Dixie in the eye. "Dix…I've been thinking a lot about the guys at 51 and you. You told me once you wondered who took care of them when the calls were over. I think we found that out. What you did…talking to them about how you dealt with the war and everything after…no one could have done that…I sure couldn't."

"Kel each of us deals with the stress of what we do differently. Look at Marco and Roy. Marco finds peace in the church and Roy finds it in his family. We all learn to deal with it…we learn to cope one way or the other. It just helps to know someone out there knows what we are going through. You deal with it all the time as well. I think you cope by trying to find ways so it doesn't happen again."

"When I was talking with Johnny last night I started thinking a lot about you. He wanted you to know he can't talk to you about it right now…maybe never…but he's fine. He is dealing with some stuff from his past. That's what got me to thinking about you. I know I wasn't in the war but I want you to know I will always be here for you. Dix….I…I love you more than I can say…I just want to be there to help you any way I can."

Dixie had tears in her eyes. She too loved Kel. It had been a long bumpy road but they were finally here. "I love you too Kel."

51

The next morning Johnny once again went to talk to Hank. "Cap, you got another minute for me?"

"Sure John come on in." It had been a peaceful night and Hank was extremely grateful. His friend looked refreshed.

"Cap, I would like to put in a request for a couple of days off. I…I need to go to Montana to deal with some family stuff."

51

One month later Johnny walked through the grave yard. He approached a stone with his mother's name on it. Johnny was shocked by the emotions that raced through him. 15 years seemed to be just a minute ago.

"Hi mom. I'm sorry I haven't been here before. I couldn't. I know you've been watching over me. I'm trying to live the life I think you would have wanted for me. I hope I am making you proud. I love you. I think of you often. I remember what you have taught me. I don't know what else to say. I thought coming back here would help me somehow but…I don't think I really needed to come here…I talk to you all the time when I camp and when I am at home. Thank you for trying to help me. I know it wasn't easy and _he _didn't make it easier. Anyway…I guess I better get going. Like I said I love you and I keep you with me always. Tell we see each other again...good bye."

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End file.
